It's Lymphoma Large Cell Type.

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Re: It's Lymphoma Large Cell Type.

Postby Kahlie » Thu Jun 03, 2010 9:51 am

Don't stop typing .... and as much as it hurts, don't stop feeling...don't bottle it up...

I know all too well the feeling of losing before we're ready... when it's too quick, and it makes no sense.

The pain will subside, in time.
The self-doubt will ease, in time.

And you know you put Ella before your own need for her to still be here, so you have every right to still hurt, to still miss her.

My first dog, who lived to 14 yrs, and was with me through moving cities, and countries, and continents; who passed away some 13 yrs ago, is still with me in my dreams, on occasion. I always know that, she isn't REALLY with me, and yet, she comforts me with every visit. And I love seeing her. And I have no idea why she appears, but now I look forward to each time.

If you can, maybe start capturing her, the memories shared together. Write stories and adventures you two shared...
Sometimes, that helps.
She'll forever be in your heart. As she will be in the hearts of so many that she's touched, with her goofy grin and wonky ears :)

You know we're here for you, and we ache with you...

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Re: It's Lymphoma Large Cell Type.

Postby Semper Bull » Thu Jun 03, 2010 12:01 pm

Type all you need to. Right now, your emotions are raw; the only thing I have found that lessens the pain is time. The grieving process takes time. Eventually, you will remember Ella and smile, not cry. I know that right now, that seems like it will never happen.

Do not doubt that you did right by Ella. While grieving the questions can become overwhelming. Remind your self that it was the right decision and why it was the right decision.

Ella was fortunate to have you; many could not have made the decision that you did and when you did, when it was the best decision for Ella. Ella's trust in you was well placed; you put her needs before your own even though in doing so you subjected yourself to unbearable pain. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

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Re: It's Lymphoma Large Cell Type.

Postby bellabear » Thu Jun 03, 2010 12:03 pm

haircrazie016 wrote:this breaks my heart, I can feel your pain from your words, and I so badly want to be able to squeeze you, and cry with you, and show you how much someone youve never met cares about you, and ella. I am soo sorry Rebecca! :hug:

X2, its crazy how someone you never met and a dog you never met can affect you so much. I could feel how much you loved her through your post and I can feel how much you are grieving for her also. Please dont beat yourself up, like everyone else said, too many people wait to make the decision until they are ready, and that is selfish, you put Ella first and that is what counts, she knew so much love and was such a special dog. My heart breaks for you and your family :hug:

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Re: It's Lymphoma Large Cell Type.

Postby shelboriah » Thu Jun 03, 2010 12:22 pm

One of the best, and most painful things about this board is the way we see eachother's dogs through eachother's eyes, and we are able to fall in love with dogs we have never met. to know them in ways that we wouldn't know them even if we had met them. and to grieve for them right along with the people who loved them most. we understand, rebecca, type all you need to. through this board and your company, you were able to share ella's life with more people than most dogs ever touch, and her memory will live on in your company, your heart, and on this board.

you let her go at the right time, and you were there with her when she passed, and as much as it hurts, those are the very best gifts you could have given her.

i once read a post on the fetching tags blog that brought tears to my eyes. In it Jen recalled a dream she'd had about her heart's dog. and it was this line that made me well up: "I woke with the simple joy that an old friend’s visit brings."
(the post:

you'll get there, rebecca. sometimes when we do a euthanasia i imagine for a split second what it would feel like if it were one of my beasts there, and i have to catch my breath. it hurts so much because they are SO GOOD to us.

the more you love, the more it hurts. you have a long road ahead of you, but i think Amie was right- they never really leave us.

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Re: It's Lymphoma Large Cell Type.

Postby Otis » Thu Jun 03, 2010 1:10 pm

I'm crying so hard right now :crybaby:

And I must say it is very-very rare that reading words on this forum make me cry. I felt like I knew Ella-you portrayed her beautifully. My heart goes out to you...this must be so hard :hug:

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Re: It's Lymphoma Large Cell Type.

Postby AllisonPitbullLvr » Thu Jun 03, 2010 1:18 pm

I am SO sorry Rebecca for the loss of your beautiful Ella. I feel only a fraction of your heart wrenching pain as I put myself in your place and I can't imagine how you are coping.

Please know that we are all here for you and are keeping you in our thoughts. Your baby girl is watching over you.

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Re: It's Lymphoma Large Cell Type.

Postby starrlamia » Thu Jun 03, 2010 2:11 pm


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Re: It's Lymphoma Large Cell Type.

Postby Sister Ray » Thu Jun 03, 2010 4:52 pm

The pain doesn't ever stop. It does get easier to live with, though. The dog in my avatar? On July 3 she'll have been gone for ten years. I still miss her. You'll never stop missing Ella. You'll never forget how wonderful she was. You will stop feeling like your heart's been yanked out of your chest, though. But that takes time.

Write here all you need. :hug:

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Re: It's Lymphoma Large Cell Type.

Postby tiva » Thu Jun 03, 2010 4:58 pm

I'm so, so sorry for your loss. Memories of her joy will sustain you, with time. People without dogs may have a hard time understanding your grief, but those of us who have lost a beloved dog can only imagine how much you are grieving.

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Re: It's Lymphoma Large Cell Type.

Postby Lollipup » Thu Jun 03, 2010 5:00 pm

Rebecca, I am so sorry for your loss. I'm aching for you and your family. Ella was one of my favorites, and I will miss her. I have never met her, but I cried for her...and you. *big hugs* -clarissa-

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Re: It's Lymphoma Large Cell Type.

Postby patty » Thu Jun 03, 2010 7:13 pm

Rebecca I don't know you other than through the forum. You are a wonderful person and my heart and soul goes out to you. I wish I could absorb your pain.

So, so many of us know the pain and heartache. It does ease, but it will take time. I wrote letters, poems, bought flowers, lit candles, and framed pictures. All of which were stained with tears and crumbled from holding them so tight to my chest. They helped me get through the dark, dark days. I screamed, kicked and punched and literally don't know how I stumbled through the first 2 weeks. After 2 1/2 years tears still pop up out of nowhere, but I can talk about and think about him with a smile.

Take care of yourself, you have so many wonderful friends who are wanting to help you through this. Your dear Ella would not want you to be sad for too long.


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Re: It's Lymphoma Large Cell Type.

Postby KittyNyanNyan » Fri Jun 04, 2010 12:40 am

I'm so so sorry . . if I could take the pain away, I would. I would do anything to make it easier for you.

Please, type everything you need. We're all here for you, and we're all listening. I've been crying on and off with you since I found out. It was as if one of my own were taken away. I have been praying NONSTOP for not only you, but for Ella too.

I still cry about my heartrat dying. It's been almost a year now. I know that it doesn't come close to amounting to the same amount of pain, but it's okay to hurt. It's okay to cry. Even years later, it's still okay. We understand the pain. Vent here.

Amie's right. Your shadow is still there. She's just harder to see. But maybe one day, when you can sing that song again without tears, she'll come back for a little bit.

Every time I shake Bach Thi's favorite toy, I swear I can see him pop his head up from under a blanket, for a split second. I know I made the right choice for him.

You made the right choice for her.

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Re: It's Lymphoma Large Cell Type.

Postby Finnigan » Fri Jun 04, 2010 5:41 am


I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my Dobe girl in March to lymphoma. :teardrops:

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Re: It's Lymphoma Large Cell Type.

Postby greenkozi » Fri Jun 04, 2010 9:36 am

holy chocolate. i'm so sorry. just a week ago i was smiling along with tough lady frankenella. hang in there, i know this is so hard.

we're sending lotsa warm bully vibes over there.

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Re: It's Lymphoma Large Cell Type.

Postby 2fatcatsandapitbull » Fri Jun 04, 2010 11:55 am

ella's family, so sorry you had to say goodbye for now. you made the most unselfish and kind choice for ella. thank you for sharing her with all of us.

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