Beyond emotionally rough day today - almost put my little man to sleep, but just couldn't do it.
Waited all morning for an update with nothing and then checked around noon and the vet was busy. Got a call at 1:30 pm that Roc was having fits (seizures) and was it normal for him to have clusters of them - and that I should come right down to talk with them. So I get down there and the head vet tells me that Roc was not doing very well this morning and then when they went to do the recheck x-rays he started having a seizure. He said that they had not been able to get him to come out of his last seizure with the drugs they were using and that the next step would be to put him into a 24 hour induced anesthesia, but that they did not really have a good drug to do that with and with all of his other issues that might not be a good idea anyhow. So he took me down to see Roc and he was in the midst of a seizure, supposedly had been paddling for awhile - I got down and started talking to him and telling him I was there and to come back from it. And within maybe a minute or so he stopped and started to come back around. I am sitting there holding my dog and the vet, anesthesiologist, and intern are all asking me where I would really go from here - what my next step will be. That they don't really have the right drug for a 24 hr induced sleep and that it might not be fair to put him through that. Then the head vet takes me out of the room to a consult room to talk to me about the realities - pretty much Roc was already doing poorly before he started having seizures - he has aspiration pneumonia, most likely megaesophagus, and may have myasthenia gravis (all of which are treatable), but that combined with the fact that he is now seizuring (keep in mind he has epilepsy and will often sz under times of high stress) means that it might not be fair to him to keep him alive. And he also does not want to continue spending my money when he does not feel it is worth it. So he recommends euthanasia and wants me to consider doing it today. I need time to visit with him - see what his condition really is before making any decisions in that regard and yes if his condition really is that bad then I would consider it.
So I go back to visit with Roc in his cage and I sit with him for a few hours. At first he is a little out of it having just had seizures recently, but he knows who I am and is so darn happy that I am there. As the time goes on he keeps becoming more and more like himself and more mobile. I take him out to their back yard to pee and he runs around. He is attentive and wants food - he responds to me and I can tell all he really wants is to go home and he can't understand why we are still sitting in the darn cage. I am bawling my eyes out a good portion of the time I am there, but as he starts to look more alert and move around I know there is no way I can euthanize him today. I have to give him a chance. For me when you euthanize a dog is when they find no more joy in life - when they don't want to eat, run around, wag their tail - he still has all of that. So I decided that I wanted to treat him at home for his aspiration pneumonia and just see how he does. The intern was not too happy with my decision and said it was against her advice - and that I should at least leave him there, but Roc needs me and I truly believe without me he is not going to get better - just more stressed out and go downhill. They scripted out some oral antibiotics for his pneumonia and I am feeding him canned meatballs for his megaE for now. And depending on how he does we will take recheck x-rays.
I am hoping for a miracle. Who knows - maybe I have just taken him home to have a good last few days with me before having to go back to be pts, but at least then I will know I gave him every chance. I know I will lose him at some point and I know I will never be ready for it. But I know that today if I had euthed him I would have regretted it. He is a fighter and I want to give him a fighting chance (even if it only ends up being a few days), but perhaps he will prove everyone wrong.